Ah, it’s spring! Time for weddings! I still find myself fortunate enough to attend about as many weddings as funerals, but there is one thing about the wedding scene that makes my blood boil: idiot disk jockeys!

Let’s set the scene. We are at the wedding reception. There is a head table for the bride, groom, bride’s maids and groomsmen. Seated at the other tables are the family of the bride and groom and other wedding guests. There is a beautiful wedding cake. There is a small dance floor. And, over in the corner is the idiot “DJ” with his humongous sound system and his library of music.

There are obligatory announcements. The bride and groom cut the wedding cake. Toasts are made from the table and from the audience. Things are going well! The DJ plays a slow, romantic song and the bride and groom dance their “first dance.” Another slow song follows and the bride dances with her father, while the audience nostalgically watches.

Then, the DJ plays a “fast” song. After some hesitation, about 8 couples go out and “gyrate” on the dance floor, 6 of whom are under 26 and two of whom are in their mid 40’s and still think they are “hip”. Then the DJ plays three more “fast” songs, and by the time he’s played his fourth straight “fast” song, there is no one left on the dance floor. The “over 40” crowd isn’t up for any more fast songs. Now the DJ is entertaining himself with his favorite tunes, which makes him very happy. After all, what’s better than getting paid $800 to listen to your favorite music?

After playing 4 straight “fast” songs, the DJ does something really revolutionary; he plays a slow song. 35 couples from all age groups virtually knock each other down heading out to the dance floor! The “over 40 crowd” is well represented, but there are young couples as well. They really enjoy the slow dance. For the first time all night, the dance floor is crowded.

Let’s review. Four consecutive fast songs produce an empty dance floor. One slow song produces a crowded dance floor. Perhaps my reasoning is faulty, but I assume that the purpose of the music and the DJ is to entertain the audience, which means attracting the maximum number of dancers. Conditions which cause more people to come to the dance floor should be replicated. Conditions which cause people to leave the dance floor should be minimized. Does this sound reasonable?

Apparently not. After his first slow song, which produces a full dance floor, the DJ pulls the most illogical move imaginable; he plays another “fast” song! People abandon the dance floor like fearful wildebeests. But the DJ still doesn’t get it! He plays 3 or 4 more “fast” songs, while looking at an again empty dance floor. Then, after 20 minutes or so, he throws in another slow song and 40 couples jam the dance floor.

DJ’s must suffer from some sort of cranial “short circuit.” They are completely “anti logic” and “anti market.” They behave in just the opposite way that their customers (dancers) demand. Maybe the DJ thinks that our real purpose for attending the wedding reception was to explore his personal taste in music! After all, this isn’t a wedding reception; it’s an “explore the DJ’s favorite music” party.

I could be wrong in my assumptions. Perhaps DJ’s play so many fast songs and so few slow songs to get rid of the middle aged and older people in the audience so the young people can finally enjoy the party. I can accept this as a legitimate goal later in the evening but why can’t DJ’s let the older folks have at least a few slow songs in the beginning? Can’t we have just a little fun before we’ve got to go home, drink some warm milk and spit our false teeth into a glass?