The Hotel Obama

I was talking to a fellow the other day that owns a small hotel. It is located in an historic building and has tons of charm. It is a nice, neat, clean establishment. He and his wife have served thousands of people from all over the world. His only “discriminator” in determining who stays in his hotel is price, which is just slightly above the rates charged in nice hotels. His kindness and service have been rewarded and his guests have treated his property with respect and consideration. It has been a joy for he and his wife to serve their guests for nearly a quarter of a century.

The other day he mentioned that his business was way down, due to the slow economy. The guy is a real Obama fanatic and he seemed surprised that the entire economy didn’t turn around about half-way through inauguration day. His room bookings have fallen substantially since Obama and “Timmy G” started running the country. In fact, he told me that if this continues he’ll have to refer to the Bush years as “the good old days.”

I told him that he needs to get with the Obama plan. In this new era of “change” he needs to re-align his hotel’s business plan with Obama’s philosophy of rewarding losers at the expense of winners. You know; like when taxpayers bail out people who should never have qualified for a mortgage, or Citibank gets TARP money at taxpayer expense. With “Obama Thought” guiding his new business philosophy, he could be sold out every night of the week. The Obama plan would have special nights for “ordinary folks”, who in prior years couldn’t afford his hotel. High income customers would be charged double the normal rate to subsidize the disadvantaged. The nightly hotel specials would go something like this:

Meth Mondays: If you’ve been arrested for the use of Methamphetamine in the last year and can bring court documents proving this, you get a $150 suite for only $20 per night, but you have to pay in advance. You’re allowed to do meth in your room, but not in the hallways. In the morning you can come down to the hotel café and have the special “Meth-n-Muffin” breakfast for only five bucks

Terrorism Tuesdays: Anyone claiming to be a terrorist can rent a room for 50% off on Tuesday night. Special rates are available for groups of 19 or more. On Terrorism Tuesdays, members of the American Civil Liberties Union and US Justice Department lawyers will staff the hotel to make sure that the constitutional rights of guests are preserved. On Terrorism Tuesdays the hotel phone system is disabled and guests are allowed free use of special cell phones with untraceable off-shore numbers. Vendors specializing in fake ID’s, Passports, VISA’s and Social Security Numbers have booths in the exhibit area. Pro-bono civil rights lawyers will be available in the lobby.

Global Warming Wednesdays: This is the one day of the week that my friend makes a profit. On GW Wednesdays, customers can swing by and park their Prius cars in his convenient parking lot. Parking fees are doubled, as well as the room rates, but these model global citizens know that their carbon footprint will be zero when they check in on Global Warming Wednesdays. On GW Wednesdays, all heat and electricity is produced without carbon emissions. The roof has plenty of solar panels and there is a wind turbine up there that vibrates all night, keeping the guests awake. On cold, cloudy winter days, when snow covers up the solar panels and there is no wind, the customers can rent snowmobile clothing from the front desk. Also, there will be no hot water; in fact there will be no water at all, due to the fact that the pipes have frozen. As his Carbon-Free guests sit looking out of the windows of their rooms, watching their breath, they should try to ignore the smoke from that ugly coal-fired power plant at the edge of town. As they look at the warm lights emanating from the heated hotel across the street, they will feel comfort knowing that Al Gore admires them, while the neighboring customers sitting in their heated Jacuzzi’s are irresponsible pigs.

Tobacco Thursdays: Inspired by their chain-smoking president, who claims to be able to revamp the nation’s health care system, yet can’t conquer his nicotine addiction, cigarette smokers get a room on Thursdays for $60 per night. With this special, the Hotel Obama provides four packs of non-filtered camels per room, right on the desk next to the ashtray. Marijuana is available on the street at an extra cost. You can smoke in the rooms all night, but if the smoke alarms go off, please crack a window.

Beer Binge Fridays: If you come on Friday evening the rate is not discounted, but each person in the room receives a coupon allowing you to drink all the beer you want in one of the city’s neighborhood bars. Hard liquor, premium or imported beers are not included in this special; you must drink the lowest priced beer in the house. College bars, nightclubs, and gentleman’s clubs are not eligible for this special; you must go to one of the “townie” bars listed on the coupon where the hard working, middle class Americans hang out. The hotel room also includes four of the hotel’s exclusive, designer plastic “Bama-Barf-Bags”, just in case you’re a bit uncomfortable when you return to the room after the bars close.

Socialism Saturdays: On this day, booking preference is given to card-carrying members of the Socialist Party of America, the voice of “democratic socialism.” Rooms that aren’t reserved by Socialist Party card-holders by 5pm Thursday may be rented to members of the Democratic Party. The Pelosi Suite and the Harry Reid Room are much in demand. At 6 pm on Socialism Saturdays, guests meet in the hotel lobby, drink designer coffees and wax eloquent on the virtues of Socialism. Sitting by the fire, they joyfully reminisce about successful socialist experiments in the Stalin’s USSR, Hitler’s Germany, Mussolini’s Italy, Pol Pot’s Cambodia, IL’s North Korea, and Castro’s Cuba. Best of all they can look forward to the fresh new socialist nations of Venezuela, Zimbabwe, and of course, the United States of America.

Sacrificial Sundays: On Sunday nights only members of Evangelical Christian Churches are allowed to reserve rooms. Room rates are only $5 per night, but these anti-abortion, rattle-snake kissing, anti-stem cell research folks have one virtue; they can’t stand filth. When they check in, they straighten up their rooms and throw away the accumulated week’s trash. In fact, normally the rooms are cleaner when the Christians check out than when they arrive. This cuts down on housekeeping fees; after all, tomorrow is Meth Monday all over again!

Because of his adoption of Obama’s redistribution principles, my friend’s “hotel for the people” will be booked seven nights a week, 52 weeks a year. The disenfranchised masses will love the place. Because the rooms are so greatly discounted, my friend’s profits will fall, but this will keep him out of the “rich” income category, saving him lots of taxes. As the years pass by, due to the increasing number of unsavory guests, my friend’s hotel will rapidly fall into disrepair, but that’s OK too. After all, if the place sells for less than he paid for it, he won’t have to pay any of those higher capital gains taxes.

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3 Responses to The Hotel Obama

  1. Donna B says:

    You made me smile and feel bad because at the rate this are going…this could very well happen. Sigh.

  2. Jeff says:

    Nice. I often admire your restraint on most of your posts. This one is a little more edgy and frontal. Keep mixing these in once in a while.

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