Before I launch into this week’s blog, let me say that there have been times in my life when I’ve been both hypocritical and nonsensical.  Nobody is perfect.  However, public officials stand on a broader stage and their actions affect many more people than the average citizen.  Like the slower wildebeests that succumb to the lions, the most inept politicians receive the greatest criticism.  In my opinion two of the nation’s most pathetic wildebeests are House speaker, Nancy Pelosi of California, and the Senate majority leader, Harry Ried of Nevada.

“Until they show us the plan, we cannot show them the money.” —  House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Press Conference, November 20, 2008.  Washington DC

Nancy Pelosi and Harry Ried recently sent the CEO’s of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler back to their Detroit offices, demanding from them a business plan by December 2, 2008.  Of course, having never written or read a business plan, Pelosi was necessarily vague, saying that the plan must show “viability and accountability” and to make clear how federal loan money would be used.

This is such a joke!  Imagine a lawmaker giving chief executives of multi-billion dollar corporations two weeks to figure out answers to problems that their firms have struggled with for over 30 years!

Don’t worry folks.  On December 2, 2008, all three companies will come forward with fancy, 500-page reports filled with complex legal, business-speak malarkey.  Pelosi won’t read it, nor will Harry Ried.  But the “plans”, as submitted to the congress, will suffice!  Money will flow.  Even though these multi-page “viability and accountability” plans from the big three haven’t yet been written, my famous “Salyards Truth Predictor and Translator Software” can disclose the true meaning of all three plans right now!  The essence of all three documents is indicated in the hypothetical letter below:

Dear Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Ried:

As CEO of ______ motor company, you know that millions of people work for us and the companies that supply our parts.  You also know that the closure of our company would be bad for the economy and even worse for your political careers.  We wouldn’t be able to pay taxes to the bloated government you’ve created.  Union members whom we unfortunately overpaid for decades would be laid off, and you depend on them for votes.

So, let’s get to the bottom line:  You can insult us on Capitol Hill as long as you want and cast us as the “bad guys” of capitalism.  We will patiently listen and smile while you make your overzealous, politically opportunistic statements.  Then, go ahead and tell the public that there are all kinds of strings attached to the money you give us, even though all of us know that we will spend it as we choose.  After you’re done grandstanding, please send the check to:

_____ Motor Company
50 Billion Dollar Boulevard
Detroit, Michigan 66666

Oh, by the way, I’d like to comment on your snide remarks about me traveling to Washington on one of our company jets.  You see, I’m the CEO of a major corporation.  I make $20 million a year and just like you, I’m not going to waste my time sitting around a passenger terminal waiting for a delayed Northwest Airlines flight.  So both of you can shut your pie holes; I’m keeping my jet.  In the future if either of you need a quiet, swift ride back to your Western political districts, give me a call.  If none of our other executives are using them, I’ll see if we can find you a seat on one of our private jets.

Sincerely,

I.M. Smarternyu, CEO
_______ Motor Company
Detroit, Michigan