Next week the Minnesota State Fair will commence in St. Paul. The largest state fair in the United States (as measured by daily attendance), this twelve day event brings in over 1.6 million persons. The Minnesota State Fair is known for many things, but mainly it is known for gluttony!
The first thing you notice about the food items is that except for cheese curds, funnel cakes, batter fried pickle slices, corn on the cob, and French fries, almost everything else is “on a stick”. We’ve got alligator on a stick, corn dogs on a stick, pork chop on a stick, chicken on a stick, cheese cake on a stick, even deep fried snicker bars on a stick! The only thing that they haven’t thought of yet is batter fried batter on a stick!
Virtually everything that you can put in your mouth at the State Fair is bad for you. It will cause your arteries to clog, your blood pressure to raise, your stomach to ache, and your waist line to expand! But no matter; there are hundreds of people lined up ten deep in lines to purchase the stuff. There is virtually no end to the demand for batter fried, buttery, gooey food! Almost everybody overeats at the State Fair. This is not a time for diets; it is a time for eating half a bucket of Martha’s famous cookies and ignoring fat grams, calories, and cholesterol. If the state fair is today, healthy eating is manana.
Of course, no State Fair wants to admit that they sell death food, so there are a couple of booths that sell healthy products such as fresh fruit and vegetables. You don’t have to wait in line at these booths. There will be a couple of granolas from south Minneapolis hanging around feeling suite self-righteous about their “lifestyle” choices, but otherwise no one at the Minnesota State Fair wants an apple, unless it’s batter fried.
Every animal on earth is shown at the State Fair. Guinea pigs, horses, cows, llamas, sheep, pigs, chickens; you name it, there’s a show class for it. Whenever you’ve got all of these animals, you have a lot of animal waste, which smells a bit. There aren’t that many bulls at the fair, but the ones who do reside at the fair create a substance called “bull shit”. The only place where there is more bull shit than the animal barns are the booths where the politicians hang out! In one of the barns, if you’re lucky, you can even witness the birth of a baby cow. If that doesn’t make you want to run for a meal at the food building, nothing else will!
Last but not least, the State Fair is good for the Minnesota economy. Food booth workers, wholesale food companies, sellers of kitchen knives, purveyors of fluffy dusters, cardiac surgeons and neighbors who sell lawn parking, all make money during the fair. The only product that doesn’t increase in sales during the Minnesota State Fair is laxatives. Laxative sales fall precipitously during the Fair’s 12 day run; grease, after all, is a natural lubricant!