Some Humor

This week I want to take a temporary hiatus from global terrorism, economics and stupid politicians. I thought I’d go to a blog of an ex-student of mine, Tom McMahon. All of the following stories are from his blog, the link to which you can find in the right hand toolbar of this blog. Happy reading!

The Moose Hunters:
Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them he can take only three moose. The two objected strongly, stating; “Last year we shot six moose and the guys told him that the last bush pilot let them put all six on board and he had the same size plane as his.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few minutes after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck, one asked the other, “Any idea where we are?” And his dazed partner replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

Why Married women weigh more than single women:
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

The Winemaker:
A retired Italian wine maker went to the village church to make a confession for the first time in many decades.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it.”
“It’s worse than that, Father,” he continued. “She quickly started to repay me with sexual favors.”
“People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn’t under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?”
“What, my son?”
“Should I tell her the war is over?”

Two Lawyers
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant. They put their briefcases on the floor and order two coffees. They get their coffee and pull out lunches from their briefcases. “Sorry,” the waitress says, “You can’t eat your own food here.” The lawyers look at one another, shrug their shoulders and swap sandwiches.

The Chihuahua, the Jaguar and the Monkey

A chihuahua is out in the middle of the forest. Suddenly he notices a jaguar heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The chihuahua thinks, “Boy, I’m in deep doo doo now.” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the jaguar is about to leap, the chihuahua exclaims loudly, “Man, that was one delicious jaguar. I wonder if there are any more around here?” Hearing this the jaguar halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
“Whew”, says the jaguar. “That was close. That chihuahua nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the jaguar. So, off he goes. But the chihuahua saw him heading after the jaguar with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the jaguar, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the jaguar. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”
Now the chihuahua sees the jaguar coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,” What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the chihuahua sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the chihuahua says, “Where’s that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another jaguar, and he’s still not back!!”

Ted Nugent on Deer Hunting:
Rock star and avid bow hunter, Ted Nugent, was being interviewed by a French journalist, and when the discussion touched on deer hunting the journalist asked, “What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, ‘Are you my friend?’ or is it ‘Are you the one who killed my brother?””
Nugent paused for a moment and then replied, “Deer aren’t capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, ‘What am I going to eat next, who am I going to have sex with next, and can I run fast enough to get away?’

“They are very much like the French,” he concluded.

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