Sorry, New York

To:  Residents of New York City
From:  The American Public
Re:  Over-reaction to 911
Date:  January 15, 2006

Dear citizens of the city of New York:

On September 11, 2001 Islamic Fascists destroyed your World Trade Towers killing 2,752 people in our greatest American city.   Another 189 were killed at the Pentagon and 44 perished in Pennsylvania.  We mourned with you, realizing the enormity of this needless tragedy.  As you struggled to rebuild we helped with money and time.  We saluted your heroic police and firefighters and prayed for your recovery.

Sorry, New York, but things have changed.  It’s been over four years since 911.  That’s a long time.  There have been no more terrorist attacks in the United States.  No offense intended, but like the holocaust, the whole incident is kind of a distant memory for us.

We over-reacted to your losses by going into Afghanistan and Iraq.  We should have negotiated with the Muslim Fascists instead.  It would have saved us a lot of time and money.  We falsely believed that the best way to keep Bin Laden and other terrorists at bay was to hunt them down, kill them, and keep them on the run.  We now realize this was an unfortunate and inconsistent position for a civilized society.  This war is worse than Vietnam.  Worse than World War II!  We’re being beaten up every day.  We are defeated.  We can’t take it anymore.  We need to get out!

The Patriot Act is a disgrace.  After all, if we have to take basic freedoms away from Americans to guard against terrorism, our country isn’t worth defending.  We’ve got to have our privacy.  If there are Islamic fascists making telephone calls within the United States, so be it.  We don’t need the CIA and FBI checking telephone records and searching mail.  The Bush administration talks about a reasonable trade-off between security and privacy, but there is no tradeoff where personal freedom is concerned.  We’d rather see an entire American city destroyed than have to suffer the indignity of some FBI goon tapping a domestic phone conversation without a federal warrant.  This wire-tapping also irritates Muslims living in the United States.  If they find out their mail is being opened they’re likely to stop being loving, responsible family men and might end up becoming suicide bombers.

We also acknowledge that George Bush is a sick man who has caused immeasurable suffering among the Iraqi people.  They were certainly better off under the leadership of Saddam Hussein than they are today.  AARP spokesman Harry Belafonte had it right last week when he called our President “the greatest terrorist in the world.”  What an evil man George Bush is.  For that matter, what an evil society we are.

Why can’t we just have peace?  Everyone knows that peace is better than War!  The celebrities in Hollywood and other intellectuals have determined that the term “terrorist” is a misnomer.  Those who took down the trade towers were not “terrorists”.  They were, of course, dedicated Islamic freedom fighters, battling against Israel and the evils of capitalism.  If the United States and all Americans would support the destruction of Israel, immediately leave Iraq, apologize to the world for being imperialist aggressors, help North Korea and Iran with their nuclear programs, declare the French government to be the most enlightened on earth, and convert to Islam, we’re reasonably sure that they would leave us alone.

Sorry, New York.

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